


Tears You Didn't Know You Had

by TheDeadAreWalking



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Gotham (TV)
Genre: Introspective Joker, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 18:50:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14361477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDeadAreWalking/pseuds/TheDeadAreWalking
Summary: Sometimes he wonders if life would be the same if he had never met the billionaire.-and he meets Bruce Wayne.If at that moment, he knew what it would mean for the future, he'd have kill them both.





	Tears You Didn't Know You Had

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I'm sorry if this is all over the place but this has been in my head since Thursday. Joker has always been my favorite villain ever since I saw the original 60s tv show and then Burton came along, the animated series and Nolan and he remained my favorite. But god Gotham has given us an amazing joker charater to play with in ways we couldn't before. I know some people are salty Jerome isnt the joker but honestly this is more exciting.

Jeremiah thinks back on it all sometimes, when he can. When his mind lets him. Even after all these years, the memories push in and with them, Jeremiah returns to his body.

Jeremiah didn't think when it happened, funny isn't it?this all could have been avoided. He could have had a life. Jeremiah? Not thinking? Unlikely but it happened.

-

Jeremiah remembers his brother. He thought about him every moment of his life actually, guilt, fear, and love intermingling to create a nameless feeling. He woke up feeling heavy every morning and went to bed heavier. When he left home as a child, he thought he'd leave it all behind but things never worked out for the Valeska's. His father learned that the hard way when his ship went down.

College had been a welcome distraction. He graduated far too soon and it felt like a lie. Everything he did felt fake, even the name he used. Xander Wilde's, a ghost, a fraud.

It was the first time he truly felt alone. He worked, ate and slept but he felt disconnected. He tried to create his own little world to keep himself safe, in doing so he fears he just made a place for his mind to fester. He thought his demons would get lost in the maze he created but sometimes he thinks he's the one getting lost. He worries he'll become like his brother.

Sometimes he has dreams about them. They aren't normal dreams. They feel real. They feel like they become one. He wakes up in a cold sweat from these.

The first time Jeremiah got word of what his twin was doing he remembered crying. His own brother had killed their mother. He hated him. He still loved him. He didn't know what he felt. But then just as quickly as Jerome caused chaos, he was murdered. Dead, gone. He saw his face in the paper. It was the same face in the mirror.

He thought he'd feel peace. He didn't. He felt nothing.

He met Ecco. She was sharp, deadly. He liked her well enough, trusted her at least. Trust is so very hard to find.

As quickly as his brother died, he was back. Jeremiah cried again. He felt a twisted joy knowing his brother was alive despite it all. He read what Jerome wanted, Bruce Wayne. He wondered if Jerome even remembered him.

He pitied this Wayne boy.

Jeremiah rarely left his home but he knows when he did he left lost. He realized one day while watching a young couple hold hands what it was. Companionship.

He started talking to Ecco more. She didn't seem to mind. One night they had too much to drink and ended up making out. Jeremiah remembers hating the feeling of her. She felt too soft despite being able to kill a fully grown man. Her waist felt delicate, her lips too soft. He's thankful when she falls asleep before they have a chance to go any farther.

He tried not to think romance after that. He settled for her friendship, she didn't seem to mind.

The third time he heard about his brother he knew this time it was him Jerome was after. Even after preparing a whole lifetime for this he felt like the small child he once was, terrified of what he brother would do.

Ecco handled him all herself. He never had to see his brothers face through anything but a monitor and he wasn't sure he could handle seeing his twin's face all scarred and mangled. If he's honest he's not sure what his plan was once he had Jerome in his cell but he felt a weight off him for the first time in years.

He had his brother and he was safe now.

Then they all had to ruin it. The two detectives and the two 'friends' of his brother. He ran, he didn't know what else to do. He ran right into a mirror. A warped version of himself. God, he missed him. God, he was scared of him.

Then he was gone.

and he meets Bruce Wayne.

_If at that moment he knew what that would mean for the future, he'd had kill them both._

Bruce Wayne stole his breath. He wonders if that's what his brother sees. He doubts it. Over the years he had read everything he could about him, he knew a lot about Wayne. That included knowing the only reason he was here with Jim Gordon is that Jerome wants them.

He wishes Bruce wasn't so kind. Maybe then he would have been able to say no. Stop everything from happening. But damn him, Bruce was so...he was...

Jeremiah didn't have a word at the time.

He realized too late that it was a affection.

Jeremiah was sure he'd die. Jerome had outsmarted them all. Jerome was right, he wanted him dead. He was tired. A small part of him burned. He lashed at Jerome.

and then his brother was dead, again.

He cried this time. It felt real this time. He had a body to look at. He had to leave, he needed his maze to lose himself in.

but then Brue was there.

They shook hands. Jeremiah remembers the feel of his hand, _later he'll feel it again and laugh hysterically at it._

But at the time Bruce was kind. Jeremiah had gone home, ready to drown himself in liquor when he saw it.

He didn't think. We've come full circle, back to the start of the story. He didn't think. He could only feel joy at the possibility of Bruce giving him a gift.

He remembers his brother's words echoing in his ears for days after being poisoned. Bruce didn't enter his thoughts for a long time. Not until he was dangling over a cliff and a bat took his hand. He'd remember that grip anywhere. He laughed. The bat knocked him out.

-

Jeremiah felt himself slipping, felt the madness coming back. He could hear Harley in the other room. He wants to be able to run to Wayne Manor, beg for help. Tell Bruce he's sorry for everything he's done. Everything Joker has done. He wonders what Bruce would do if he told him how he felt even after all these years. What would Bruce say if he told him he knew what he did at night? Knew his dirty little secret.

Jeremiah watches as Harley comes in, he pities her. Does she know he doesn't love her? Even if she had the right pieces?

"Puddin' why ya cryin'?" Jeremiah reaches up to touch his cheek. Huh? He didn't know he could even cry after all these years. He felt himself slipping. Felt a smile crawling up his face. He thinks of Bruce.

Joker looked up confused before laughing and shaking his hand dry, "Not sure honey bunches, now where exactly are we in the plan to get the Bat?"

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or request for fic. Ill write just about anything.


End file.
